On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
