I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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