He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
