Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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