I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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