mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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