dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
