If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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