It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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