I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize