proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
