Jerry, you need to find god
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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