The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
