i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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