This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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