he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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