I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
