i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
