so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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