i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
