I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
