Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
