i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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