Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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