When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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