batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
