At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why is there bacon in the couch?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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