hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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