Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
