I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
