why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I love you. Go after that dick
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
