i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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