I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dignity is for republicans.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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