Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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