My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize