like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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