Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
