I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
