I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize