hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
