I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
