Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
