i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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