I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
