Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize