i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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