Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
