I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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