Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize