Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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