my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
