I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
