no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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