did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
