There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
