I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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