God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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