i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
