I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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